Early Spring time has become a difficult season for me…for many reasons. On one hand, it resembles new life, new beginnings, hope and joyful expectation. On the other hand, in more recent years, it brings bittersweet memories of lost love and shattered dreams.
And so, as we move into late spring, I’ve just walked through a painful few weeks of grieving. The turmoil inside, the longing, the agony, the confusion, the spinning, the frustration, the disappointment….the pain of a broken heart. The pain is overwhelming at times. Can’t catch my breath, anxious knots in my stomach, feel like throwing up. Do you know the feeling? Still so much unresolved conflict (which may be left that way…guess that’s the nature of divorce), so many unanswered questions, feelings of being misunderstood, and the ever finite human perspective – always only knowing and seeing in part. (That’s a blog all by itself!)
In the midst of it all, I’ve been crying out for God to make something out of me…..to make something out of the mess I’ve made. Feeling like I’m not where I want to be, but knowing that God is able to make something beautiful out of my broken life. My desperate prayers have been, “Lord, I need You, more of You, all of You. I want to fall more in love with You…deeply in love with You. Burn away everything that is not of You. Purify my heart. I want my life to bring glory to your name.”
Just last night, laying in my bed, I felt a breakthrough in the Spirit and in my perspective. God is so good to bring us through every time when we are sincerely seeking Him.
So what have I learned? Keep walking. Keep praying. Keep believing. Emotions can be so fickle, but at the same time purposeful. Lean into the pain…don’t run from it. Face it. Deal with it. Go there. Let yourself grieve. Be honest with yourself (and a trusted counselor)…it’s ok. It’s a necessary part of the healing process. And you WILL get to the other side.
My goal through this season of my life falling apart is to DEAL WITH every bit of it. To get to know myself well, understand HOW I got here, and know God more intimately than ever….to allow time for the deep healing so that I can truly move forward into the future God has for me healed and whole. Stronger.
And what do I know for sure…now more than ever?
He is near to the brokenhearted…even through the pain, He has been there…He is ALWAYS there – Psalm 34:18 -The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent.
Psalm 40:1-2 – “I waited patiently and expectantly for the Lord: and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up out of a horrible pit (a pit of tumult and of destruction), out of the miry clay (froth and slime), and set me feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings. And He has put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many shall see and fear (revere and worship) and put their trust and confident reliance in the Lord.”
“Sorrow may last for the night (or a season), but JOY comes in the morning!” (Psalm 30:5)
“If anyone is in Christ, he is a NEW creation; the OLD has passed away. Behold, the fresh and new has come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)
I heard an excellent sermon on Mother’s Day about Hannah. Her story can be found in 1 Samuel 1. Hannah was the favored wife of Elkinah. She was barren. Her adversary (her husband’s other wife), who had children of her own, provoked her. Hannah was grieved, but she fasted and prayed for years. She became desperate even to the point of bitterness of soul, but she continued to cry out to God and was tenacious in prayer. She had faith and eventually she conceived a son. She dedicated her son to the Lord and God blessed her with three more sons and two more daughters.
This was so encouraging to me because I feel like I am in a season of barrenness. Some days, I feel anger and bitterness in my soul. But I refuse to give up or settle. I will continue to have faith and be tenacious in prayer for the dreams I believe God has placed in my heart. Although I have walked through more in the last two years than I ever could have imagined, I believe this season has produced in me an unshakeable foundation, as well as a deep level of compassion for humanity. I pray the Lord allows me the privilege of loving on some hurting people in the not too distant future.
Romans 5:3-5 – Let us triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. And endurance develops maturing of character, and character produces joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation. Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us.
James 1:2-4 – Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work in you so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Whatever you may be walking through today, know that God does not waste our pain, and His Word NEVER returns to Him void, but accomplishes what He desires and the purpose for which He sent it (Isaiah 55:11). Continue to look to Him and watch what He will do for you!